The Ladymister Soliloquy is a long monologue read by Neil Picard for the DO WANT segment of Episode 13: Fat Tits O'Beardie.  The name comes from his assertion near the beginning of the monologue that he is a 'celebrated lady-mister'.


Neil Picard submitted his item, a pair of Star Trek themed sneakers, to Grover for the DO WANT segment of Episode 13: Fat Tits O'Beardie on the day of the show's recording, leaving Grover little time to do the write-up.  Despite that item being no longer available for purchase (thus making it a shitty DO WANT), Grover did the write-up anyway, and in record time.  Once he finished, he recieved a Facebook message from Neil, changing his mind on that particular item and submitting another: a ridiculously expensive beer shoved into the mouth of a dead squirrel, an item that was also discontinued.  

Instead of complaining, Grover wrote what would later be called the Ladymister Soliloquy, mentioning nothing to Neil or James.  But rather than being insulted, Neil was impressed with how well written the piece was, and agreed to read it for the show.  Despite heavy drinking throughout the show, he read the Lady-mister Soliloquy in only two takes, retaining a straight face throughout.

The Ladymister SoliloquyEdit

"Good evening, nerds and geeks of all degrees of virginity.  I am Neil Picard, co-host of the 3 Drunk Geeks and also a celebrated lady-mister.  I would like to stage a pleasant, if not fanciful, intermission during this segment -- a segment where we, the lords of your amusement, present to you a handful of products which we would like to purchase -- in order to exhibit a pair of desirables which neither I nor any of you could ever purchase, not with all of the wealth of Solomon; never in a thousand generations of mankind.  

The first of these unavailable products is the “End of History.”  Now, before you accuse me of being so avaricious as to desire the material acquisition of an abstraction, let me clarify that the End of History is in fact a beverage; specifically, a craft beer, brewed by ‘BrewDog.’  The End of History is a blond Belgian ale bred of ambition: the ambition to transcend and thus render obsolete beer itself.  To speak of its strength would be to compare it to Samson or B. A. Baracus; it boasts 55% ABV, enough to render invalid even the most obdurate of livers.  On top of this, it is flavored with Scottish nettles and juniper berries; why, just imagining the taste of nettles engorges my girly gonads with pure adrenaline!

The bottle in which the End of History is kept is sheathed in the body of a stuffed stoat or gray squirrel, which, I assure you, is already dead; slaughtered as roadkill and collected in order to be repurposed, a ritual that is acutely American.  

For 765 wingwams --or 243,214 Malawian Kwachas, since I am too much of a hipster to use a currency anyone’s ever heard of-- you could have made the End of History, an ale stuffed inside of a small rodent which has been run over, your very own, to display in your drawing room in order to impress visiting ladies such as myself, or, brazenly, even to drink.  I say ‘would have’ because only 12 bottles were ever made, and 11 of these were quickly sold to 11 craft beer snobs and stuffed stoat enthusiasts.  One can only imagine they must have ran out of dead stoats and were unwilling to use living ones.

My second abolished article is a shoe: specifically, the Star Trek Airwalks.  These shoes, produced in a limited run concurrent to the release of the DVD of the Star Trek film (which, you will remember, came out in 2009), were simply Nike Airwalks designed by Jeff Staple of Staple Design.  Not only were they adorned with Starfleet insignias, but they came in 3 colors: command yellow, sciences blue, and operations red.  Unfortunately, these shoes did not come in the form of a prissy high-heel; a shoe to which I am most accustomed.

They could be purchased for 40 wingwams, or 12,717 Malawian Kwachas, from in 2009.  In the present year of 2012, these shoes are extinct and will never occupy a shopping cart again, not even on eBay.

Now my intermission has come to an end.  Would you do the honor, James, of wrapping this segment up with a product that one can buy right this moment?"